I am so damn confused. Confused, where should I direct my dreams. I lost my dreams along the way, between Indonesia, Turkey and the Netherlands. I left it somewhere in a public restroom, flushed away with all the others. I am without direction. The only thing I have is him.
Hi people of internet.
Today is new year’s eve, and like what I have been doing for the rest of the year, I’m procrastinating. I think 2012 should be called the year when I procrastinate too much and the year that I watched too much youtube videos. I really hope 2013 will be different, though.
I had this conversation with my boyfriend where he asked me about my resolution. I said, well, I want to put more effort on my looks and also I’d love to travel more. But then he said that I am already super on those things, why would I improve it? And then I said, well I live by my own standard. He said, why not improving my religion and social work? I said, well now that’s unrealsitic. Haha.
For starters, I really want to make my plans come true this coming year. I always wanted to make a travel channel on youtube. I was about to make it last summer but I got lazy and distracted. In 2013 I hope it’ll come true. Otherwise I would be watching another youtube video saying to my room mate, “hey, I thought of this.”
Next, I want to go to a new place every month. If you don’t know, I have a travel blog and I would really love to have a new thing to talk about every month.
I feel like these past three months or so was like a big fat waiting room. I was not living in the moment. I was always looking forward for tomorrow, and ultimately for my Erasmus semester to start. I think that was really unhealthy. So I would really want to actually live in the moment each and every day in 2013. Carpe Diem.
Lastly, okay this might sound stupid, but I would really want to look good every day. I want to make more effort on looking good. Because to be honest I really love fashion and make up. But I am just too sloppy to keep up with it every day. You might think I’m a society victim, well maybe I am, but that’s what makes me happy. I love it when I look good on pictures. I love it when people compliment me on the way I look. Well, who doesn’t.
This is the last day of 2012. And I am really looking forward to opening a new page of my life. A life that I take control of entirely. My life for me. Although sadly I can’t really go anywhere tonight because of a stupid exam on Jan 2nd, but I really hope what happened this year stays in the past. I don’t want to be in 2013 doing the same things as I did in 2012. I want to step forward.
Happy New Year!
(Oleh Handyra Putra Adytama)
Rindu, pastilah sejenis makhluk pemalu.
Dia lebih suka singgah malam-malam,
pada pelupuk mata yang tidak mau terpejam.
Aku pastilah pecinta yang dungu.
Terlalu banyak kubutuhkan waktu
untuk menyadari kamu
yang terbaik bagiku.
I know I should not have thought about the future so much. But I just can’t help it.
It’s so hard to be a girl sometimes.
One of my biggest dream is to be a successful diplomat, a very influential one. I have always wanted to be one of the people who decides the future relation of Indonesia with some other country. I have always dreamed of having to live in different countries, travelling to places people don’t go to. These dreams can’t contain themselves especially when I am in class which talk about diplomacy. I can’t wait to be there and make a difference.
My other biggest dream is to live with my future husband (hopefully my current boyfriend) in a small house, being happy. Our jobs are not so demanding so that we can spend so much time being together. And also we would spend our weekends and holiday diving in exotic seas all over Indonesia. In this dream, we’d be happy just being together, the two of us. And maybe some kids.
The question is, which life would I want the most? Because being a woman diplomat means that I have to leave my love behind, since he has to pursuit his own dreams. But I don’t want to be one of those couples who don’t see each other and live in different places while raising their children back and forth. I think four years of college is enough.
But I also don’t want to be those people who live a simple life while feeling unsatisfied because they have abandoned their youth dream.
Arr, I know that we can’t design our future just like that. It will happen as God has planned it for us. But I can’t help it, how am I going to find happiness?
Have you ever had this feeling on your throat, it’s like as if you cannot swallow, or say a single word, and the pressure comes down to your chest? I feel that every time I feel homesick.
Homesick is when I am not around familiar things. Things that make me feel at home. I feel that every time I start to stay in a new place. I felt it every year when I moved back in to the dormitories back in high school, also whenever I am on a trip with people I barely know. Recently I just moved in to the university dorm because my parents are moving back to Indonesia. Well, they’re still here for a couple of weeks. But still, yesterday I felt that obnoxious pressure on my neck and on my chest. I felt lonely though it was crowded. A call for something familiar.
The first things that came to my mind were: mom, dad, my sister, my boyfriend, prayer. Whenever I feel alone, I turn to God, asking for Thy company.
But then I went back to my dorm room. Ahh, facebook. Facebook makes you feel at home, doesn’t it? It’s something familiar. So familiar that I even forget that pressuring longing on my chest. I moved on.
Yet, how long does it take to make a new place your home?